Sunday, September 21, 2008

A New Slate and then some

So I sit here today, AF having started. I hadn't recorded anything as for my "signs" this month, to try to relax, but that quickly backfired. In the past few days I was regretting not logging anything! So.... I won't be doing that anymore. I will log some of my more dominant "signs," at the minimum. I'll spare the TMI here, for readers who either aren't TTC or are male. ;-)

We are now headed into October full-throttle. Those who know me know why this is an important month to me. For those who don't, I should have a bag packed, and be ready to go into labor anytime. I was due October 9, by one of the many internet calculators. But I never made it to even get an official EDD from my doc, as I miscarried on Sunday (of all days of the week), February 24. My first OB appointment was to be the very next day. I still went, however what was supposed to be filled with joy and anticipation was instead filled with tears and sorrow, as I recalled the previous days' events to my doctor. The pathology results came back as a "garden-variety miscarriage," as my doc put it. My risks of it happening again are right with the general public, about oh, 20, 25%. It's still scary.

Part of me is soooooo ready to get pg again it's not even funny, but as with any TTCAM'er there's a part of me that's scared $#*^less of this happening again. We do what we can, pray it never does, that we can all go on to have healthy pgcy's afterward. Some of us do but others don't. The CL (community leader, in iVillage talk) of one of the post-m/c boards has had six. In a row. Miraculously she's still somewhat sane. Her strength is amazing. I think that would put me in an asylum. May God bless her, along with all the other women suffering, or who have suffered through, this horrible ordeal which nobody should ever have to endure.

As October arrives I can't help but to wonder who this little person would be today. There is a song, perfect for the occasion, which I was not able to listen to, even this past May. I still don't think I can bring myself to listen to it. I think it is called "Who You'd Be Today," by Brad Paisley? Someone correct me if I'm wrong!

Pumpkin (my nickname for this little angel), if you're reading this, mommy misses you. Dearly.


Yaya said...

What in the world is 'garden variety m/c'...don't you just love dr's terms for things?? (sense my sarcasm...)

I am so sorry for your loss. We also had a miscarriage in Feb, on the 29th (leap day) and we were due oct 6, so similar to you, so I know exactly how you are feeling with the approaching due date :(

DH and I are going to take a half day that day and plant a tree in our yard for our angel baby.

Kimberly said...

Aw that's too cool! We just planted a tree in our yard a couple of weeks ago and I have named it in our little Pumpkin's honor.

As for your little angel, {{big hugs}} to you, too. And thank you.

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